After
the Bleep
Among my other qualities is a lack of
auricular sensitivity to distinguish between certain high-frequency sounds.
Not so long ago only bleepers bleeped.
A bleep meant that an anaesthetist was being summoned to theatre, an upmarket
husband was to collect the laundry or an interviewee had blurted out an
expletive on the BBC. Now everything bleeps.
The other day I just extracted my mobile phone in time to see an ageing
yuppie setting the alarm on his BMW.
I blamed my amnesia for the "urgent" bleeping in the house; had I forgotten
to switch off the frying pan and set the smoke alarm mad? No. My son had
wiped out half of Berlin in a war-game.
If you thought that your neighbour was being burgled at 3 A.M. only to
find a truck reversing it wouldn't enhance your humour. And my alarm clock
sounds (to me) exactly like those pedestrian lights for the visually impaired.
I haven't told any of my friends about my semi-tone-deafness, yet I always
feel they are slagging me when their answer-phone tells me to leave my
message...."after the bleep".
Now if you lose your car keys in the
other woman's flat or your ferret under ground your day (or night) can
be saved by a bleep.
I told you before that the English
inventor, Cris McGlone had come up with the "Posture Perfect"; a leotard,
which bleeps if you assume a lumber-threatening position. I didn't see
the hazardous side of it at the time. Picture this scenario. I've lost
my ferret underground and my keys in the quare one's apartment. My mobile
rings and the quiche has defrosted. Ain't I in the right pucker?
And of course as soon as somebody invents
a device which bleeps when one is boring people, I will continue to talk
(or write) thinking it's the egg timer. While my disorder is not life
threatening and does not leave me eligible for a disability pension (I
think) it can be restricting in the workplace. I couldn't very well make
a career move into shoplifting, for instance. I'd only draw attention
to myself by running with new designer jeans in a sheep-nuts bag when
someone's wristwatch would go off.
When Patrick Kavanagh was writing Tarry Flynn he came up against writers
block; but that was not how he described it. He said ; "I have a fucker
in a field an' I can't get him out of it". Now I wouldn't be able to put
it as colourfully. But when I was writing this I ran out of petrol so
to speak. So I ran for refuge to the Net I typed in the word BLEEP.
Are they trying to drive me stone mad or what....? There are "......78
products in 36 stories for 'bleep' ". There seems to be a group called
Bleep. There's The Bleep Brothers. There's "BLEEP, a guide to popular
American Obscenities". There's Bleep Community and Bleep Originals not
to mention some sort of on-line auction where you; "Bid for bleep items".
You have Bleep Holdings Ltd. And a Bleep Message Board. If you have any
comment about the above you can contact me at; lennonaspect@iol.ie
or leave a message ....after....the.......BLEEP.ΚΚ
by
Mattie Lennon
11th November 2001
Discuss
This Article