DirtySomething
If you're reading this, sweetie, then chances are
you've got a rather dirty little mind.
Don't be embarrassed; you're in the finest of company. Nancy
Friday, Anais Nin, Larry Flynt, the Marquis
De Sade - the list is as old as humanity itself. Over the centuries,
our race has spawned a host of literary pervs in a many a colourful guise.
And now, it's time for the old-timers to make way for the new generation.
Move over Hefner old boy, you've had your day. It's Fluffy's turn now!
There comes a time in a girl's life when she reaches her peak - referred
to, by boys in the know (who tend to rub their hands in glee at the thought)
as the 'dirty thirties'. It is the point where a girl's body draws level
with her intellect. Her capacity for physical pleasure finally catches
up with the vagaries of her imagination, no matter how smutty or bizarre.
She's spent three decades learning how to use her best assets, and now
she's refined her techniques to a 't'. This is where I find myself today.
It's an exiting time, darlings, and ripe for fun. But I don't just want
to savour the moment alone, to crest the wave one last time, before slowly
sliding into the world of tartan wheelie bags, tea-cosy hats and 'Tweed'
cologne. Au contraire, I intend to study, and research, to keep a travellers
log, if you will - and share the resulting tales with my fellow connoisseurs.
Too often, coverage of all things naughty degenerates into a Cable-TV
style mish-mash of lapdancing and inflated boobs, but that's not what
I'm about; I've had far too much of that kind of thing in my life already,
as any of my more long-standing fans will tell you, and I don't think
that's what most of you want to talk about either. If you did, you'd be
coasting around www.thehun.net, calling
a 'party' chat-line or watching live
Internet porn, not reading this column. But here you are, looking
for something a little more cerebral, or perhaps your, ahem, tastes lean
slightly towards the obscure. So how am I going to satisfy your sordid
little desires?
It's over fifty years since the Kinsey
Report came onto the scene. Like me, I'm sure you're all sick of hearing
what people were doing in the forties, no matter how intelligent the work
of the good doctor and his team. Neither do I want to come across all
1970's leather pants and handlebar moustaches, or hairy hippie 'free love',
like the illustrations from the original "Joy of Sex". Time for something
a little fresher, please!
Think of Carol Vorderman - the UK embodiment of the 'thinking man's totty'.
So I offer you a 'thinking person's porn'; an aesthetic of the profane.
In a range of juicy topics, from Apples to Zen, visiting every letter
in between, I'll explore the cultural implications of modern-day sex,
in all of its weird shapes, sounds, sizes, smells and forms. Not just
smut, but sensibility.
Nor is this a monologue, restricted to the woes and joys of a girl who's
reached a certain age. "Sex and the City" it ain't. Instead, I want to
find out what the rest of the world is up to, and why, and what everybody
is saying about it all. People all over, young (over 18 though), fetishists,
gay, straight, middle-aged or old - tell me your tales. Send in your thoughts,
your ideas, your most deranged rantings - even pictures (keep 'em legal,
puhlease!). Lets set up an intelligent debate into the thing we all love
to talk, think and dream about. Sex.
Thus, in a rather loose 'A-Z' format, I set out on my voyage of exploration.
And if you want to steer the journey in any particular way, why then,
simply lay your hand on the tiller by sending me in a piece (not literally,
see the forthcoming section on "C is for Cannibalism"), or a topic for
further investigation. And Mistress Fluffy will do her gorgeous best to
explore the way for you. Just mail fluffy@tuppenceworth.ie-
and I'm all yours.
So, on with the latex gloves (I am snapping them into place on my wrists
as I speak). It's time for a probing examination of the human body, and
mind...
Part A offers up a juicy little something to get you started.
Fluffy's Slot
Over to you. Mail me now at fluffy@tuppenceworth.ie
Fluffy's slot is a weekly forum for group discussion - send your thoughts
and questions, and Fluffy will probe around for the answers, no matter
how shocking or bizarre.... Have you got a piece for Fluffy's Slot?
By Fluffy Dutton
3rd March 2004
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