Become a columnist. Or write an article. Or head back to the homepage.

Columns

Quiz: What Kind Of Flatmate Are You?

Simply tick all of the answers that apply to you, and add up the number of A's, B's, etc that you score. Then turn to the bottom of the page to discover what kind of bedsit best matches your personality type.

Questions
Q. 1 Do you prefer the smell of:
A) Pine Fresh "Flash".
B) Designer Paint.
C) Bacon Fat.
D) Laudanum.
E) Nail Polish.
F) Lager and chips.
G) Essential Oils
H) A bag of glue.
I) A hot dinner.

Q. 2 Socially, what's your 'scene'?
A) Good clean fun.
B) Trawling around DIY stores.
C) Slobbing out.
D) Poetry slams.
E) Dressing to impress.
F) Drinking, drinking, pizza, clubbing, more drinking, party back at mine, oh god is that the time, somebody please shut the curtains, the light, it hurts my eyes, I've got a pounding headache, got to phone in sick, hair of the dog anyone?
G) Going on meditation retreats.
H) Demonstrating against Globalisation.
I) A pub-crawl that takes in the optimum number of 'Happy Hours'.

Q 3 If you found a suitcase full of unmarked cash, what would you spend it on?
A) A full complement of cleaning products.
B) The 'Changing Rooms' box set.
C) A housekeeper.
D) Costume jewellery.
E) Designer clothes.
F) A wild party.
G) Healing crystals.
H) Plotting the downfall of Capitalism.
I) Clearing your overdraft.

Q 4 What is your most frequent activity when you're 'home alone'?
A) Trying to distract yourself from your paralysing fear of woodlice.
B) Sanding down the woodwork.
C) Ignoring the washing up.
D) Pretending to be Lord Byron.
E) Painting your toenails to match you handbag.
F) Phoning round to organise a 'posse'.
G) Contemplating your navel.
H) Plaiting your Dreadlocks.
I) Stressing about your finals.

Q.5 Which of the following patterns would you include when decorating?
A) Anything that scrubs up well.
B) A print border you applied with a potato stamp.
C) You'd be able to decide if you could see the original wall coverings through the grease.
D) Period prints like Antique Paisley, or anything Art Nouveau.
E) Florals, chintz and gingham. With pastels, glittery stuff and pink faux fur.
F) Who can tell the difference after a few cans?
G) Ethnic designs with beads and mirrors.
H) Some gory anti-vivisection posters and a picture of a scary body piercing.
I) A montage of beer mats.

Q.6 Is your desk or workstation:
A) Hoovered every day with a dust buster.
B) Built from layers of 'found' cardboard.
C) Stacked high with dirty dishes.
D) An antique commode that you pulled out of a skip. It doesn't really work, but it adds pots of ambience to the room.
E) Oh, you mean the dressing table? That's covered in soft toys, photos, sparkly eye gel and the free toys out of cereal boxes.
F) Host to a pyramid of lager cans, and a wide screen TV.
G) A converted massage plinth.
H) Spray painted with Graffiti.
I) Covered with a large tie-dyed cloth, to help distract you from the twelve unfinished assignments sitting on it.

Q.7 The most important aspect of a home is:
A) Secure against muggers, thieves and dust mites.
B) Scope to stamp it with your own mark.
C) Neighbours who don't mind the smell.
D) Plenty of 'character'.
E) A full-length bathroom mirror.
F) Within staggering distance of an off license.
G) Good 'Energy'.
H) Potential for getting squatters rights.
I) Roofed over and affordable on a grant.

Answers
Type A: The Clean Freak
A real homemaker, you expect your abode to be spick and span at all times. Paradoxically, it really doesn't matter if the bedsit you choose is a bit of a kip: after a couple of weeks under your tender ministrations, it will be gleaming with polish from wall to wall anyway (although the woodwork may develop a slightly distressed look from constant assaults with harsh abrasives). So why not go for somewhere cheaper, that needs a bit of loving attention, and spend the balance of your cash on the cleaning products that you love so much? Safety is important to you, so a home with a fire exit, an intercom system and secure locks could help calm your nerves, (never the best). It might also help to install a little grid over the plughole, to keep out errant spiders. In your darkest moments, try to remember that woodlice are actually harmless. It's the earwigs you really need to worry about.

Type B: The Home Improver
Your ideal home is a 'blank canvas' allowing plenty of scope for creative expression. If at all possible, find a landlord who will allow you to do as you please, whether this means decorating every wall in a different texture and colour, painting exposed pipes green and purple, stencilling a floral border around the kitchen sideboard, or turning the communal bathroom into a replica of the set from "Aliens". Try to forget that when you move out, they'll just spray the entire interior with magnolia emulsion again, or you may get a little dispirited. However good you may be at making things, practicalities aren't necessarily your strong point, Don't, under any circumstances, attempt to remove load-bearing walls, mess with utility systems, or add gimmicky 'features' to the property. Erecting a mezzanine level, building a papier-mâché sink unit, or installing a 'fireman's pole' (so you can slide in from the roof through a hole you've cut in the ceiling) will not add value to the property in the landlord's eyes.

Type C: The Slob
Everything you touch becomes grubby by association. Unopened mail, dirty laundry, books, shoes and computer wires mingle together in a great big pile, getting slowly covered with dust. From time to time, in a fit of guilt, you sling everything into a bin bag in an attempt to get it off the floor. Unfortunately, you never have time to sort through the bags, so they sit festering in the corner for months, until the plastic gives way, and they split open, disgorging their contents back onto the floor. You really don't understand the concept of cleaning, and instead move house every couple of years, when the mess gets too much to cope with. Why not pre-empt this tendency by taking properties on short-term leases, until you learn how to keep your belongings in order? You may be tempted to live in complete dives, on the basis that you'll at least have some faint hope of getting your deposit back, but this approach is not really conducive to your physical health or psychological development. Do everyone a favour, including yourself, and rent somewhere modern and easy to clean, with fitted carpets and plenty of storage space. Then use it.

Type D: The Bohemian
You'd happily move into a deserted mine shaft if it had enough 'character'. But although dilapidated period properties may appeal to the romantic side of your personality, try to keep your feet on the ground, and remember, no matter how quaint a place is, it should at least have a cooker and a flush toilet. An older building with some degree of history would suit you best, although you may go into a state of shock when you see the degree of butchery that generations of landlords have committed to its once-stately interior. As soon as you sign the lease, you'll immediately proceed to fill your home with eye-catching charity shop curios and antique books that you've never read, so plenty of shelves and interesting nooks and crannies are a must for displaying your tasteful, if completely useless, belongings.

Type E: The Fashion Victim
Boy or girl, you're just a little princess at heart. Your ideal bedsit is warm and cosy, with a big wardrobe and at least one full-length mirror. It needs loads of hooks, shelves and vanity units so you can cover them with cuddly toys, accessories, curling tongs, epilators, elasticated hair extensions and other implements of self-beautification. When you've finished unpacking, your room will probably look like the inside of 'Claire's Accessories', but with a bed in the middle, and will be filled floor to ceiling with a pack of giggling friends within hours of you moving in. If your bedsit is not comfy enough, you'll be tempted to run home to the tender care of mummy and daddy at the first opportunity. However, if you stick it out, you'll find that you're surprisingly resilient, and will enjoy the freedom and challenge of living away from home. Plus, that 'helpless' act you do so well is a very good method for getting hardier types to help you out with DIY.

Type F: The Party Animal
Anywhere you rent needs thick walls to drown out the noise from constant parties and TV football matches playing at top volume. Cooking isn't your strong point and your penchant for mood altering substances leaves you particularly at risk from vitamin deficiencies, so good food must to be easy to find, even when blind drunk. Consequently, try to get a bedsit close to supermarkets and healthy takeaway food restaurants. This will should also encourage you to stock up on vitamin-rich foods that can easily be incorporated into your hectic lifestyle, like Mangoes, Cheese Strings and fruit juice mixers. You probably don't notice décor very much, so anything goes, and the constant supply of alcohol in your bloodstream will render central heating unnecessary. The kitchen and bathroom areas don't need to be spectacular, either, as long as there's enough room in the fridge for a good supply of beer. Your deposit will be a goner on your first night in the new place, when you and your pals throw a house-warming party, dance the Macarena on the table, set fire to the curtains, puke down the back of the TV, and generally make the place your own, so get used to the idea early on and start saving up for whenever you get chucked out, which will probably happen the first time the landlord pops in for a visit.

Type G: The New Ager
Modern buildings don't always appeal to you, but wherever you pick should be bright, warm and dry (best for giving massages), have good 'vibes' (you'll be the judge of that) and very fire resistant (in case of unintended inflammatory incidents involving Joss sticks and scented candles). If you will be offering holistic services from home, remember that not everyone is as in tune with their higher selves as you, and there are a lot of scary people out there who may have their own unique interpretation of small ads offering 'Swedish Massage' treatments. Especially if you live in a very scummy area, or close to a red light district. So make sure you install a good security system and keep a close line of contact with the outside world. If you are a vegetarian, please remember to incorporate a balanced range of vitamins and minerals in your diet, including the 'B' group, because that light-headed feeling may be a result of malnutrition, rather than a higher state of meditative consciousness, as you initially believed, before you passed out in the shower. The best neighbours for you are quiet, contemplative and sympathetic to your beliefs. Either that, or solvent and willing to barter food and DIY skills for healing treatments.

Type H: The Anarchist
When flat-hunting, your priorities don't really involve comfort or aesthetics, as you probably want to live as cheaply as possible, preferably without giving in to consumerism by actually paying rent. However, once you move into a place, you will customise it in your own unique, and doubtless very creative, style, and while it's probably a little off-beat, it will look great to the kind of people who sport matted, lumpy dreadlocks, and go to free festivals - i.e. your friends. A couple of things to bear in mind: if you are illegally occupying a property just make sure you know your rights in full. Also, be very careful if housing illicit goods or substances in you home, as you may quite easily end up as a convenient scapegoat for the local law enforcement agencies, especially if you are spotted at more than one protest march per annum. Fiddling with electrical supplies can be very dangerous. When setting up home, bear in mind that your plot against capitalism would be greatly facilitated by a phone line, a good computer and a fast Internet connection. May Day riot, anyone?

Type I: The Student
You're probably living away from home for the first time, so try and rent somewhere in a halfway decent area, until you get the lie of the land. On a limited budget, you may have to opt for a place with rather basic amenities, but avoid excessively damp, dark or mouldy rooms. Properties close to bargain stores and discount fruit and vegetable markets are a good option, so you don't have to lug your shopping home for miles on the bus. Try and optimise your study time by maintaining a well-organised desk area, with good lighting. Install a second-hand filing cabinet, and keep your study notes filed from day one. Otherwise, you will quickly accumulate a huge pile of unintelligible notes and jumbled newspaper clippings - a very daunting prospect to tackle come exam-time. Banishing computer gaming consoles from your home will dramatically increase your chances of getting good grades.

by

Emma Pearson
12th October 2003

Topics