Become a columnist. Or write an article. Or head back to the homepage.

Columns

Fiona Brewer
Laura Mackey
Simon McGarr
Fergal Crehan
Gary Malone
Mattie Lennon
Sarah Byam
Anita Kiely

Fred Roe
Keisha Poiro
Emma Pearson

Fluffy Dutton
Donal O'Driscoll

 

 

The Life and Times of Fluffy Dutton

"Inside every nice girl is a drag queen waiting to get out."
Fluffy Dutton, 'Vamps & Tramps', 1999.

It's February 2004, and Fluffy Dutton, hot new Internet sex columnist, is about to explode onto the publishing scene. Beating her arch-rival, celebrity writer Roisin Mingle, to a much-desired post at tuppenceworth.ie, she prepares to take the literary world by storm. But her scandalous weekly column, "DirtySomething", is only the beginning of Fluffy's plans for world domination. In the secret of her loft apartment, shared with kindly trannie, Frou-Frou, Fluffy is hatching her masterpiece. A debut novel; her memoirs. But a secret past threatens her sparkling new life.

Lets back-track a couple of months. The glamorous star of over two hundred adult 'movies', six-time 'Razzler' centrefold and the darling of the burlesque scene, Fluffy has gone a couple more years past the big three-oh than she'd care to let on. Pan-stik can only hide so many sins, and those little lines are becoming harder and harder to conceal, no matter how much Vaseline her boyfriend, director and manager, Jake Savage, rubs onto the camera lens. It's only a matter of time until she's just too old for the starring roles she desires.

But Fluffy is a Diva through and through. She's damned if she'll fade gracefully into the twilight. Instead, she's determined to take one last stab at fame, and get a foothold in a more consistent career, before her youthful looks finally desert her. And so the idea for "DirtySomething" is born. She enrols on a creative writing course with Kilroy's College, and demonstrating a gusto previously reserved only for her award-winning 'oral' scenes, sets to work building up a stable of, ahem, 'contacts' in the editorial world.

Can she really pull it off? Known in 'the business' for her Dietrich-style mystique, and possessing a wit to rival Dorothy Parker, Fluffy is no bimbette, that's for sure. And she is one hundred percent determined to succeed. It's either that, or venture into the more extreme end of the fetish market - a dubious future of tawdry latex and eye-watering DVDA scenes. But is her sordid past about to catch up with her? Or can she forge a new career in the competitive Dublin literary scene, and prove that her best asset is not her spectacular frontage, it's actually her brain?

From the haven of her draughty loft above the 'Love-Canal' porn shop in Capel Street, her column, "DirtySomething" unfolds, quickly gaining a host of cult fans across the Republic, and abroad. Fluffy is catapulted into the big-time when her smutty scribblings are blasted by an irate caller to popular Irish chat radio station Talk 105. Roisin Mingle herself comes live on air to slag off her rival, making a few choice suggestions as to how an 'illiterate bimbo' like Fluffy managed to get the Tuppenceworth job in the first place.

Later that night, a drunken cat-fight breaks out in celebrity night-spot 'Lillies Bordello'. As a harridan Fluffy, dressed in clinging black rubber, slams 'nice girl' Ms Mingle against the wall, the nipple of the demure lady journalist accidentally makes an appearance above the neck-line of her designer boob-tube. The resulting photo makes the front page of every newspaper in the country. It's a PR dream for Fluffy. Tuppenceworth becomes the most-hit Irish web-site on the net, and her pay cheque, swelling from a lucrative product endorsement contract for adult goods franchise 'Rubber Ducky', allows her to buy a lap-top, and start work on her autobiographical novel full time.

The closely-guarded memoirs are due to hit the presses in September 2004, and a series of extracts are to be serialised via Tuppenceworth in the months leading up to its release. But as "The Life and Times of Fluffy Dutton" unfolds, it becomes clear that Ms Mingle is not the only one who'd prefer to see Fluffy's masterpiece fall by the wayside. Is it the Fianna Fail politician who allegedly features in, shall we say, a rather large role within its pages? Or the Catholic bishop who takes the word 'father' to a new degree of realism? Or perhaps it's the twenty-something pop idol who'd prefer that his wife didn't know about his earlier media 'exposure' as gay porn actor Dirk Dick? One thing's for sure - whoever it is means business. An attempt on her life proves that someone from Fluffy's past is determined to make sure that the events unfolding in the novel never see the light of day...

Read Fluffy's column, DirtySomething

Discuss This Article

 

Topics

Arts and Entertainment
Politics
The Big World
Sport
Food
Music
Travel
Photos
The Gallery

Fiction

Poetry
Discussion