Fiona Brewer
Laura Mackey
Simon McGarr
Fergal Crehan
Gary Malone
Mattie Lennon
Sarah Byam
Anita Kiely
Fred Roe
Keisha Poiro
Emma Pearson
Fluffy Dutton
Donal O'Driscoll

'P' Is For Pony Girls: Back With A Thwack

I've been a bad, bad Fluffy. Tie my hands and beat me soundly, if you feel the need (just move my tail to one side first, please!). Too long have my lovely readers been neglected, while I gallivanted, nay trotted, around the Dublin burlesque scene...  

But now, after an extended 'research' period, I'm back. Not with a bang, but with a thwack. Yes, I've taken the bit between my teeth, and joined The Pony Girls.  

I thought I was past it. I thought I should retire. I thought my glory days were over the day my ass went south. And then, one night gathering news for my column: a revelation. As I watched drag act the Shamcocks perform, a little King, a giant tranny and a very voluptuous Diva changed my life forever.  

Burlesque, I realised, is not about being an eight stone cheerleader, or a jailbait blonde. It is attitude, it is imagination, and above all, it is the ability to shake your thang. It is carnal, it is carnival, it is sometimes even grotesque. Whether you're eighteen or eighty, you're bound to be possessed of at least one of the desired qualities.  

Burlesque is wiggle and strut, a laugh, a performance, a celebration of human lust and the draw of velvet curtains, sleazy music and darkened, smoky rooms. And that is ok. The realisation hit me like a jet of jizz.  

And then I met my kindred spirits, in fact, my herd. Yes, the Ponies. Under the manly wing of Gringo O'Hara, Drag King and funny man extraordinaire, this group of feisty fillies learned to submit to the swish of the crop, the squeeze of the halter and the dominion of the funniest fake knob in the biz (more details on this to come, I promise!).  

We made our debut at The Hub, last Halloween. A fitting start, as dressed in our classic harness, boots and ponytails, we hefted onto the stage our hairy-chested master Gringo, who sat atop his throne bedecked in full medallion glory.   From there, the weeks whizzed by with gigs coming thicker and faster, until our triumph at the Alternative Miss Ireland 2005, when our Speedo-clad hero came second only to Heidi Konnt and scooped the coveted 'Miss Poise' award.  

So readers, especially you readers who may be feeling a little 'over the hill', make the most of what you've got. Learn from the trannies - they know all of the tricks. What you might lack in youthful lustre, waistline and cleavage can easily be remedied with a little glitter, support tights and the imaginative use of corsetry. And forget the diet. After all, if you don't go out, you can't possibly be nipped in, n'est pas? If you give it a whirl, you too might just find your inner horse.  

More shocking tales from the world of PonyGirls to follow...

Fluffy Dutton
29th April 2005

Discuss this Article