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Where You &%*#-Well Like
Once I had a highly embellished cup and saucer of
larger than standard size. I brought it into Donnybrook Bus Garage where
I was employed , left it in the canteen for my own use and told my colleagues
that an admiring female who saw me swimming, while on holidays, gave it
to me. The truth was less romantic (and anyway I can't swim) but the crockery
was indeed ornate. So much so that a waggish workmate asked;" Was there
many injured at the construction of that?" One day only the saucer remained.
Through persistent enquiry, eavesdropping and other unorthodox means I
eventually found out what happened. One of my supervisors had consigned
my elaborate piece of table-ware to the skip, on the grounds that it (the
cup not the skip) had not been washed. When I related the tale to an old,
retired, Conductor he said; ".....isn't B-----getting very hygienic, considering
his father used to mistake the cabs of buses for urinals".
I was reminded of the cup-in-the- skip episode recently when a British
Company, Personal Waste Products Ltd, who learned of my existence from
www.mattielennon.com, contacted
me.
The Corporation concerned distributes disposable loos (Personal Urinal
Bags) for use in vehicles or anywhere else where one does not have easy
access to a toilet. The 'Go-Bag' as it
is called, is made of two layers of toughened leak-proof plastic and contains
a revolutionary "Liqsorb" crystal pouch that solidifies liquids instantly
into an odourless, spill-proof gel that is non toxic and safe for disposal
in a normal waste bin.
Oh, the Bard of Avon was ahead of his time once again:" When he makes
water his urine is congealed ice".
Of course not all lavatorial inventions were a runaway success. Yes, I
know the flush toilet washed with all hands. (By the way I've just discovered
that the aptly named Thomas Crapper did not, after all, invent it. The
patent was issued to Mr. Albert Giblin.)
One of the less successful developments was the "Watercolour Intelligent
Nightlight" designed in 1994 by Bryan Patrie of Menlo Park, San Francisco.
The idea was that it would remind men to lower the toilet seat. It was
nicknamed "the marriage saver", would only work at night and didn't catch
on. But back to the bag.
A zipper on top of the Go-Bag means that each one can be used on average
three times before it needs to be disposed of. (It has a capacity of 800ml).
Even in this liberal age it will be necessary, in the interest of modesty,
to cover up the relevant part of the anatomy when using this new invention.
The nature of that used to conceal the exercise will be determined by
one's mode of transport. An exotic tapestry will, no doubt, obscure the
tanned knees of the Bentley occupant. While the man with the ass and cart
will do his business while his nether regions are concealed by the humble
10-10-20- bag. What about the cyclist?
Do you remember the Postman's cape? If you are short taken and a limb
of the Law, or anyone else quotes an archaic law about "...causing scandal
or injury to the morals of the community", provided you have your Go-Bag
you can tell them, in the words of Ernest Beven, that you will; "...go
anywhere I damn well like". And if you are part of the mass exodus of
Dubs to the sticks and the local authority is getting a bit strappy, about
giving you planning permission for a Septic Tank, aren't you in business
with the Go-Bag?
Think of the social improvements the Go Bag will bring. I believe that
like the bicycle, the Late Late Show, and De Valera the Go-Bag will transform
society, as we know it.
The aroma which characterised Leopold Bloom's breakfast will be absent
from the hedgerows of Ireland. The post-Fleadh-Cheol type whiff will be
missing from our urban alleyways and maybe (along with a mobile phone)
every bus driver will have a Go-Bag in the cab.
The Go-Bag will, no doubt, become fertile ground for the propagation of
a crop of jokes to rival those of George W. Bush, Daniel O'Donnell and
the Lada car combined. On a serious level it will enhance and bring immeasurable
improvement to the life of anyone with a disability, which necessitates
rapid access to toilet facilities. You can get more info on the Go-Bag
at www.pwpdirect.com
by
Mattie Lennon
3rd March 2004
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