Columns
|
DirtySomething:
Spice Curls
"Curl Power!"
Fluffy Dutton,
"Spice Curls", 1998.
Fluffy has been working. And she likes it not one little bit.
Yes, Fluff fans, a slight, ahem, dip, in the Glamour Modelling work coming
our Fluffy's way necessitated a bit of 'temping' over the last couple
of months. Office work! Quelle horreur! Fluffy would rather have knowledge
of a member of Westlife than succumb again to the torment of the automated
telephone system, the evil fax machine, the American spell-checker and
the weekly 'tea and biscuits' kitty.
And the make-up - they were barely wearing any! No sequins, no heels,
no feather boas and definitely no fishnet stockings. What a soul-destroying
existence... Nonetheless, Fluffy has taken some valuable lessons from
her experience. The first is to make enough money from writing to keep
herself in Dior makeup, spike heels and rubber frocks for the rest of
her life. The second is a healthy respect for the plight of today's average
working woman.
Oh, the wonderful world of female liberation. What a change since the
sixties, the seventies, even the eighties. The Spice Girls ushered in
a whole new era of fun. We're allowed as many toy boys, trouser suits,
tampons, dildoes, and pints as we can accommodate. We're safe-driving,
laptop-slinging 'New Ladettes' who get paid on average eighty-one percent
of what men get for doing the same job. We've won the right to study for
years, get massively in debt, then work full-time whilst raising two-point-one
kids and doing most of the housework. We're expected to act like a porn
star in the boudoir, and look as good as Liz Hurley well into our thirties,
forties, even fifties (well, Joan Collins manages, the magazines tell
us smugly). Yes, we've made great strides - apart from a little oh-so-important
area.
Forget the glass ceiling, forget history's classic disregard for female
artists, forget chauvinistic golf clubs, forget the scant value which
society places on traditionally female work areas such as caring, or childminding.
Fuck that. Women just want an orgasm. One that they haven't had to knit
for themselves.
That's right, Fluffsters; I'm getting all hot and bothered about a very
important little organ - and I'm not talking micro-penis. No, it's the
clitoris, and I firmly believe it's the kind of thing that should be on
the curriculum at schools. Not just under Anatomy, but in a range of subjects.
That way, the message might sink home.
The Science laboratory might provide a fertile learning ground for further
study of this elusive organ. It appears that many men need a microscope
to find one, for starters. And the approach some take to stimulating it
seems to fall under the tenets of 'chaos theory'. If boys were taught
that Chemistry wasn't the only factor in the orgasmic reaction, we might
be getting somewhere.
Art is an obvious choice, of course, as it could teach an aesthetic appreciation
of the female form, with sculpture offering a fascinating three-dimensional
'learning model'. Besides, isn't a picture supposed to be worth a thousand
words?
For Maths buffs, think of it as more of a distribution curve. When it
comes to pleasure, most women are subtly different, some so different
that it's like dealing with a separate species (not literally please,
beast fiends!) Consequently, their responses tend to fall into a range
of places on the scatter graph. There is no one correct answer, one method,
that will always work. In fact, it's best to adopt a 'trial and error'
approach. Remember, you're looking multiples, not the lowest common denominator.
(If you're really anal, you can plot the results to see if they form a
straight line. I guarantee they won't. It will probably look more like
a knob).
For physical types, what about Woodwork? Tool school. The diagram to illustrate
'Constructing the Female Orgasm' could come somewhere in the textbook
between 'Badly Constructed Shelving Projects (rendering wobbly thereof)'
and 'Dodgy, Overpriced Power Tools (spending all of the housekeeping money
on)'. You could have grades, on a skills level, sort of like a 'Flat-pack
Furniture' to 'Master Carpentry' of the groin.
Geography would work well, too. All of those little contour lines could
be put to good use. And a variety of symbols might be handily employed
to denote interesting reference points and patches of undergrowth. Indeed,
the study of ancient cartography might prove a useful introduction to
the perils of Venereal Disease ("Here Be Dragons"). And the ultimate lesson?
Every woman is a dark continent, and needs exploring carefully before
a full-scale invasion is considered.
Yes, the map to the Delta of Venus should be up in corridors, with a diagram
and a little arrow to point the way. Because if men could find it, and
women had the nerve to tell them what to do with it, the world would be
a much happier place to live in.
But even if the Government rushed in this controversial new legislation
overnight, and vowed to educate our young men in the art of frottage,
it wouldn't benefit the ladies of my generation. (Unless in fifteen years
time, you're planning to take a toy-boy who's young enough to be your
grandson, harlot!) So I guess we'll have to make better use of the chaps
we have at our disposal now.
The first thing, the easiest thing, is to start asking for what we want.
But here comes the rub. Sometimes it's hard to be honest. Whether through
fear of ridicule, or of seeming critical, or of appearing ignorant, or
through pure embarrassment, we may find it a difficult subject to broach.
Not just for men, but women too. Yes, the fact that many fellows are so
ignorant to our needs is unfortunately a responsibility that we'll have
to take squarely on our own shoulders. Because if we only told them what
we wanted, boys would be a lot less likely to pick up their technique
from laddish conversations held in locker rooms (hence bizarre sporting
analogies about 'going for the pink' and getting 'stuck in the ruff'.
Ouch!). Even worse, they may turn to Pornos for instruction.
When it comes to female pleasure, adult movies a lot to answer for. Very
few get it right. To those of you familiar with my earlier career, it
may come as a little surprise if I tell you that the simple insertion
of a large male member is not guaranteed to bring pleasure to most women.
Such are my acting skills, through which, for many years, I betrayed womankind.
I hang my head in shame.
In fact, if you do believe in a God, they you must admit that when it
came to designing the human sexual anatomy, he is most certainly male,
and he likes a joke. A high percentage of women cannot achieve orgasm
through penetration alone. Boys, if all of your girlfriends to date appeared
to achieve release through this method, then six out of ten were probably
faking. Now how do you feel?
A degree of frottage, boys and girls, in a sensitive area, is essential
to tip a lady over the edge. And not just a cursory lick or fondle at
the start. No, it must often be consistent, of the correct pressure and
tempo, to do the job. This information is particularly important when
it comes to ladies who in prior decades would have been classed as 'frigid'.
Idiots like Freud are partly responsible for this irresponsible labelling
of perfectly healthy women, and the elevation of 'penetration' to a disproportionately
important status. Freud came up with the myth that women who liked clitoral
stimulation were 'immature' and should preferably try to graduate to a
'mature' orgasm generated by penetration.
While real cases of inorgasmia do exist, they are thankfully few and far
between. There are also millions of women out there who are perfectly
capable of bringing themselves off in a matter of minutes, while when
it comes to sex with their partners, they only manage to 'score' once
or twice a season. This situation could be remedied with a few choice
words and a bit of co-operation from their partner.
The other side of the coin, though, is men who won't listen. For Fluffy
has found that some apparently 'broad-minded' chaps became annoyed if
instructed in the art of stimulation. Maybe it's an 'alpha male' thing
- they never do like to ask for directions, do they? And they go into
a sulk if you try to seize control of the map. We're not talking Fluffy
getting on her Jack-boots here, mind (although that is an option if you
enjoy it!) no, more of a very gentle, softly-softly kind of hint.
One pleaded a cricked wrist, and declined to get 'hands-on'. One stated
bluntly that he preferred to 'bring a woman satisfaction his own way'.
And one fellow's catch-phrase was 'but I like to do it like this'. As
if he had any idea what it feels like to have a clitoris himself? What
a joker. But unfortunately, with men like this, the joke's often on them.
They may well find themselves ditched for somebody who can cut the mustard
- where it counts.
So talk about it, for goodness sake - especially you bashful girls out
there. Give feedback (literally, if you so choose). And boys, please,
please listen. The female anatomy is so sensitive that the line between
unbearably ticklish, orgasmic and downright uncomfortable is a very fine
one indeed.
There's no need to snuffle around like some sort of truffle hound in the
hopes that you're doing it right. Just ask. If she won't tell, or she's
too shy, then get her to guide your finger, and show you what she likes.
If she's uncomfortable with this, ask if she'd like to use a dildo on
herself while you're engaged in an amenable position. If she still won't
play ball, that's her loss, but at least you've tried. It's a lot better
than flying blind, or dismissing her needs outright.
It may also surprise you to learn that Fluffy was once not so in touch
with her female needs as she is today. It took a long time, a lot of experimentation,
and a very understanding kind of relationship to give Fluffy the kind
of man-handling she needs. When you have the trust, honesty and openness
to explore the needs of both partners, its amazing the breakthroughs that
can be made. You discover what suits you both.
Yes, the one I recommend is girl on top, sitting upright, as he stimulates
you with his thumb. After fifteen years as a five percent girl, I'm now
in the ninety-nine percentile range. Draw a diagram of that. Whatever
scale you use, it's going to look pretty impressive.
Immature? No. Just very, very satisfied. Why not try it out yourselves,
and give Freud the finger, for once and for all. And remember, boys, a
lady is a lot less likely to nag if she's passed out in post-orgasmic
bliss. You have two choices. Buy her a dildo so she can engage in a bit
of her own DIY. Or get down on your knees and learn to operate her equipment
effectively. Option two will earn you a lot more brownie points, and she'll
be much more likely to play ball when you'd like some assistance 'on the
job'. The choice is yours.
Any top tips for Clitoral bliss? Mail them to fluffy@tuppenceworth.ie.
Check out "Fluffy's Slot" in a fortnight for answers to reader's e-mails!
Fluffy
Dutton
16th June 2004
Discuss
This Article
|
Topics
|