Some time ago I lamented the passing of Top Of The Pops. For the same reason that TOTP went to its grave, the singles charts will soon be a thing of the past too. This is a real pity, as a look at the top ten will tell you much about the state of popular culture at any given time, as well as serving as a valuable corrective to those who choose to rewrite a critically correct history. A glance at the charts of my school days confirms my own memory; that when Nirvana were in their pomp, most of my contemporaries preferred 2Unlimited. Though one might wish t’were otherwise, the charts don’t let us away with such revisionism. So what of pop music today? Below is my time-capsule review of the UK Top Ten as at 6/08/06. I choose the UK chart because as a child I never trusted the Irish Top Ten, which would often have an embarrassingly Irish tune – the “video??? would invariably be from a Late Late Show Performance, often with old people in the audience clapping in time – in the middle of the proper music. I make no apologies for what may seem arbitrary and harsh judgements on some of the songs, except to say that we are all entitled to our opinions, and that mine are always correct.
10. Empire – Kasabian
This only rock band to feature in the top ten, Kasabian are blessed with a great name (kind of rolls of the tongue, doesn’t it?) and little else. Empire is a deeply strange song, one which I can’t understand at all. Why is it called Empire, for example? Musically, it mixes martial drums with melodic flourishes reminiscent of Big Country. Really, does anyone want to be reminded of Big Country? The combination of the song’s sound and it’s video reminds me of nothing so much as Gary Moore’s Braveheart-before-it’s-time Over The Hills and Far Away. All of which is OK, but you’d think the lyrics might say something about war and empire and such. And maybe they do, but not in a language I understand. A not unrepresentative sample verse: “Too much information/ Well I said you can fall off it /Come on to the back /I said your needles count for something /Guess I’d better sell you now /Guess I’d be around???. Well, at least it’s nice to know that my needles count for something. Intriguing, but too weird to be enjoyable. (5/10)
9. Last Request – Paulo Nutini
An interesting choice of title for a song that makes you wish you were dead. Paolo Nutini is a James Blunt, a term I use both as description of his musical style and as rhyming slang. He has a funny whinnying voice which some ladies might find sexy and is undeniably handsome, in a smouldering latin kind of a way. The song is a string-assisted ballad with gushing lyrics. Can you guess what it is yet? Yes folks, it’s Julio Iglesias, back to romance another generation. Download a copy for your mum. (4/10)
8. Voodoo Child – Rogue Traders
The Rogue Traders have named themselves after a term for financial traders who gamble with their firm’s money on the international treasury markets. If nothing else, this moniker confirms that the spirit of the 80’s is back with us. Can the Corporate Raiders or the Junk Bonds be far behind? The singer is one Natalie Bassingthwaithe, formerly of Neighbours, surely keen to emulate the success of Stefan Dennis’s “Don’t it Make You Feel Good???? Musically, the song has little to recommend it, the title stolen from Jimi Hendrix, the main hook from Elvis Costello, and the lyrics from most of the worst rock anthems of the 70’s. That said, the Costello sample (from Pump It Up) is a pretty good one, and they beef it up pretty well with a dance beat, so that the song is at least kind of fun, certainly more fun than the rest of the top ten so far. (6/10)
7. Smile – Lily Allen
Despite having had a visceral dislike for Ms. Allen’s father, actor Keith Allen, and despite a reflexive distrust of hype, I’ve got to say that this is just perfect. Apparently, Allen was offered a spot some years ago in a pop project that became the Sugababes and refused it. Smile is exactly the sort of thing the Sugababes promised (with their brilliant debut Overload) but only rarely delivered. A skanky Specials-ish reggae track backs knowing lyrics about a break-up delivered in a snotty, bored, seen-it-all teenage voice. It’s got some rude words in it too. What pop is all about. (10/10)
6. You Give Me Something – James Morrison
Snakes alive, it’s another James Blunt. This one is even worse than Paolo Nutini, worse even than Blunt himself. An awful syrupy white-soul ballad, with strings and brass seemingly pilfered from an unusually bad Stevie Wonder track (think I Just Called To Say I Love You Stevie, not Superstition Stevie). So bad that I was actually praying for it to end from the moment I put it on. Many of the other songs on this top ten list are not really my thing, but I could tolerate them on the radio. This song is one I’d leave the room to avoid. Dreadful. (1/10)
5. Stars Are Blind – Paris
Imagine my joy when I saw this little baby on the top ten list. Paris Hilton’s foray into the world of pop. (She has forsaken her surname like so many stars before her: Cher. Beyonce. Preston) What would it be like? On the one hand, she’s everything that’s wrong with modern culture, proof that Western Civilisation has entered a phase of terminal decadence. On the other, she can surely afford the best writers producers and musicians available. Hell, with her kind of money, she can probably bring Maria Callas back from the grave to sing it for her. But what’s it like? Oh shit, it’s pretty good. A kind of Reggae thing, a half-decent Xerox of Blondie’s Tide Is High. Even the voice (if it’s hers) sounds kind of throaty and sexy. God help us all, the evil little brat is unstoppable. (7/10)
4. Every Time We Touch – Cascada
It’s two in the morning, and you’re only getting started. You got out of bed at 3pm after another all-nighter and hit the beach for a few hours. Then a bite to eat, a shower and shave, and you hit the bars. Next to you, there’s a bunch of girls from Stoke-on-Trent or somewhere squealing along to that annoying song the DJ’s all seem to play here. Behind you are those Irish guys you met last night, celebrating their Leaving Cert. with a reckless abandon you can envy but no longer emulate. You’re getting too old for these 18-30 holidays. Time to go home tomorrow, which is depressing, but at least that annoying Cascada song won’t be in the charts back home. (5/10)
3. Ain’t No Other Man – Christina Aguilera
Aguilera first emerged as a combination of Britney Spears and someone a bit sluttier than Britney Spears. Then she started taking all of her clothes off for a while, before finally settling on a kind of Platinum Blonde image, last seen modelled by pointy-boobs era Madonna. Along the way she started making some really good R & B-based pop. This is probably the best she’s done to date. It’s got a great brass sample, a good funky rhythm track and an excellent vocal from the clothes-shy Christina. Excellent dancefloor material this, and it gets funkier as it goes on, via a great breakdown mid-way through. I like breakdowns. (8/10)
2. Unfaithful – Rihanna
Rihanna is a very attractive woman. As a commenter at YouTube so eloquently says: “so a beautiful hair! wow i love she..??? Wise words. She’s done some pretty good raunchy R & B in the past, but this is the most boring thing on the chart this week. Granted, it doesn’t actively make the world a worse place like James Morrison does, but you can’t remember what it sounds like even when you’re listening to it. And songs about infidelity are best tackled by Country singers. Tedious. (2/10)
1. Hips Don’t Lie – Shakira
The presence of professional side-kick Wyclef might make the heart sink, but Shakira has a track record of making pop songs that are slightly botched products of the mainstream cookie-cutter, and are all the more interesting for it. There’s lots going on instrumentally, with brass weaving in and out and underpinned by South American drumming. It sounds like a party. Quite what “Hips Don’t Lie??? is supposed to mean is anyone’s guess, but Shakira has an interesting voice, and carries the whole thing off with a lightness of touch often missing from what is supposed to fun music. (8/10)
So there you go. A little snap-shot of today’s musical landscape. It has to be concluded that there’s some decent pop music about, though there’s a worrying tend towards Bluntishness. Think of this post as a service towards posterity, one which can be revisited in the days after Paris Hilton becomes the first US president to attend her inauguration in a pink Gucci tube-top.
Comments are closed here.